Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
