I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Randomize
