She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
sarcasm needs its own font
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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