cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
