yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
