dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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