I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
