You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
