I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
