You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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