I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
