I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I currently don't understand fingers.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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