dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
