he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
