that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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