Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
