You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
