i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize