I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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