I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
