Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
