The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
