Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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