he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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