Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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