best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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