I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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