Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(310): View more from California

Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING

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(925): View more from California

i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b

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(315): View more from New York

The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.

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(347): View more from New York

I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...

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(217): View more from Illinois

He passed out in my car.

(1-217): View more from Illinois

What's the problem?

(217): View more from Illinois

HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.

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