I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
