just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
