I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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