The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
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