I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
