In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize