Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
