Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
