Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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