Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize