I am spending my child support on dildos
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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