I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
