ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The struggles of a small town man whore
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
