you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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