so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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