Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
