Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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