cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize