Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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