Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
