somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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