And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Dick very happy bro
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
