you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
