Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
