Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
