what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
