do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
