My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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