I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
