Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize