No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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