I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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