we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Terrible idea I love it
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
