i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
