I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
