i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
