I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
