Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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