I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
