I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize