I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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