My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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